Comfortable laughter filled the car during our homeward commute from work. We had shared the small joke many times. Sam’s hand encased mine, “We’ve been together a long time, haven’t we?”
My mind scurried through the past forty-three years. How had we come so far when others had failed? More surprising, it had flown by like the intoxicating days of summer. We had slipped into the autumn of our days with a blink of the eye and reached the comfort zone that comes with long marriage. The soft arrival had come after we found the secrets to success.
Early in our life together, we learned the first secret.
v Compromise over conflict
As an only child, I had never experienced conflict or competition. I was uncomfortable with both. From a large family, he was anxious to establish his own territory—his way. The jerky start these differences created smoothed out when we learned to yield some control to gain the expected end. After some LOUD discussions and soft pillow talk, we discovered the goal was the same…a home and a life…together. We rode along on a relatively smooth road until…children arrived.
Our second secret came after some roller coaster dips.
v Tradition may need to yield to destination
We came from similar backgrounds. We grew up in the same small community. We were raised with similar Christian values. Our childhoods were centered in family activities. I had a large extended family and most Sundays were spent at grandparents home with food, fun and fellowship. His large family had built in fun, but his parents were generous and loving. Their home was often filled with family and friends. We were both taught a hard work ethic. Respect for others and honor were ingrained.
Yet, same can be so different when applied to life.
We found that we had to find our own family values and traditions from a blend of the best of both backgrounds. Fast learners, two things were quickly taken out of our conversations.
“My mother always…”
“Dad says…”
We were a new, separate family. We appreciated where we came from and respected our parents, but, we had to set the bounds and goals for ourselves. Our relationship was freed up. Extended family gatherings were pleasant not dreaded.
Ah…the last dip! Smooth rolling ahead.
“Oops! “
“Look out!”
“ Washed out bridge…”
The third secret was uncovered after a near crash.
v Keep the fire of passion and romance alive
The demands of growing children and life management quickly sucked the life out of romance. We found we had to be creative. We simplified schedules when possible to alleviate the exhaustion factor. My husband planned impromptu dates with the children’s care arranged. The surprise factor and his attention made my day. A fiery glance across a noisy dinner table from me reminded him he was first in my thoughts. Romance budded and grew when we really made the effort to know each other.
With a few bumpy efforts, I found he prefers lemonade and conversation in the porch swing to dance floors and restaurants. Hand held walks along a mountain creek open his heart. A quiet, home-made dinner accompanied with lots of conversation please him.
He found I light up with flowers and a bear hug. A kiss and smile from him gives me a welcome escape in a busy day. Diamonds aren’t important, but words of appreciation are.
We avoided the crash and got back on track. Golden days and smoky nights passed quickly. We had everything under control.
“Uh-oh, baby!”
“Change in the wind.”
“Hold on tight!”
The fourth secret surfaced as our children started their own treks into the world.
v Let go and enjoy the ride
We nurtured. We guided and taught. We watched little ones grow, stretch and become. The time to let go came on tip-toes and we were shocked at how quickly it came. Parents sometimes wish for a little more time.
Did we forget anything important?
Will they be okay?
Where are we going now?
My husband and I encouraged each other. We smiled bravely. We watched each of our children come into their own. They started new families. They, too, are learning the ageless secrets that have never changed. No one can give them. They must come through experience.
We found new and different enjoyment with each other. Gone were the demands of in home family. Family time, still important, was structured around three new family’s busy schedules. Spur of the moment activities bloomed. With our time demands more relaxed, delayed projects and plans began to take shape. Activities with grandchildren kept the child in us alive. Romance was softer…less intense. Just as good wine mellows with age, marriage grew richer and easygoing.
The careening life trip had smoothed into gentle hills and valleys.
“M-mm.”
“Happy trails!”
“What’s that up ahead?”
“Yikes!”
The fifth secret in our learning process is only partially revealed at this time.
v Change is inevitable… remember to keep the destination in focus.
Aging parents have changed our lifestyle. Once again, needs of others challenge relationship. As when children were little, parents require more time as they lose their ability to manage everyday tasks. Loneliness after the death of one, health issues and physical limitations necessitate assistance. As before, creativity keeps relationships strong. Love, release of jealousy, cooperation and support smooth the process. The end of life can be as joyous as the beginning. My family has the blessing of living in close proximity, so responsibility can be shared when needed. My husband and I have found it is important to keep balanced. We do not try to do more than physically and emotionally possible. Simplicity is once more important. We do not take on extra outside activities. Time management is essential. Projects are put on hold. Perfection must yield to compromise. We are digging a little more of this secret up each day.
Wisdom from Holy Scripture says, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
The ever changing events that affect each day are not our point of focus. The heart of our relationship is, “Where am I going and who do I want beside me when I get there?
When it comes to success in marriage, are all the secrets yet to be discovered hinged on this question? I think so.
****
My husband’s compelling voice brought me from my reverie.
“Are you still with me, Sunshine?”
I smiled into his intense, yet gentle, eyes. “Yes, we have, my love.”
“Yes, we have what,” he replied.
“We’ve been together a long time…and what a trip!”